“Watches That Can’t Tell Time”

Dog Blog

I just chunked down 200 bones yesterday for a Nike Triax V-10 watch. For people who still think chronograph is the coolest thing, this is a watch that tells you how far you’re running (or walking I suppose, but what’s the point?). My rationale for this is that my running partner and I were spending an inordinate amount of time driving up and down streets in town at 5 in the morning trying to pace off 10- to 20-mile runs and never getting consistent or necessarily accurate readings from the car odometer. Now my life will be perfect again, thanks to this purchase.

But it got me thinking about all the stuff that watches do for us. And as I check my cell phone-PDA-text messaging-gaming-Web-access-camera-clock device to check the time, I wonder if we really need watches to tell time anymore, or if we should go ahead and bite the bullet and just admit that there are a lot of other things we’d rather do with our wrists.

There is definitely a precedent for this kind of thinking. Anyone who’s been to Prague or seen pictures of the famous clock will start to realize pretty soon that this 15th century wonder wasn’t really built to make it easy to tell time. That’s because this beauty tracks the astrological course of the heavens, and when the bell tolls, doors open and little mechanical apostles, skeletons, and sinners dance around in a circle.

And then there’s Dick Tracy’s communicator watch, which is now a reality—well, sort of. The latest in smart watches is SPOT (Smart Personal Objects Technology, a collaborative effort of Microsoft, Fossil and Suunto Inc.), which shows real-time weather forecasts, headlines, sports scores, and stock prices, can deliver text messages, and is synced with Outlook. No self-respecting comic-book fan would pass up a chance to have this piece of kitsch for $199. Careful though, these watches require that wicked wireless subscription fee ranging from $60 – 120 a year. And they have to be juiced (charged) every couple of days.

So, I’m feeling pretty good about my V-10, but it’s hard not to pine for the Nike Triax Elite HRM/SDM: for $369. This baby not only records heart rate and distance, but also does wireless communication with your personal computer to allow you to analyze performances if you’re an elite runner, or at least help you record how many feet you walked in a day to and from the bathroom and kitchen if you’re a gadget geek.

Nike also makes an Oregon Series watch (yeah, baby!) with a Lance 4 series, named after Lance Armstrong. This watch has an altimeter, compass and hydration alarms (!!!), and also will soon become essential to my road-bike training needs as the weather warms up and the credit card has been paid down a bit.

Mr. Oi’s article on PC gadgets gave me pause to consider a purchase earlier this week with his article featuring a watch with a USB cable and 256 Meg of memory. But his warning about the dangling cord made me think I’d prefer this function on my key chain.

Then there are the watches that take pictures, such as the Smartcam color digital camera watch for a mere $70, or the Casio for $265, if you want to show it off. A little too Spy Kids for me, but to each his own.

And now for the golden calf of watches: the Oakley Limited Edition Timebomb, cast in solid 18 karat gold and available online for a mere $25,000. Don’t let the sleek design fool you into thinking this simple timepiece was made primarily to tell time. Au contraire. Put this heavy piece of high-tech on your wrist, hold your arm out in front of you and wave it around casually in a classy singles bar, and you’ll discover it also has a built-in chick magnet.

Well, that’s about all I have. I’d like to know what cool watches leave you drooling, and I’ll post your recommendations in a follow-up Dog Blog if they’re any good. But if you’re saying, “Hey wait, what about the watches that have a built-in calculator?” then you can forget it, because next you’ll be wanting me to write about the best plastic pocket protectors on the market, and that means you’re not really our type. Look at your watch, geek, it’s time for you to go away.

Kewl postscript: Because shirt cuffs can obscure the bling-bling appeal of your obscenely expensive watch (or the watches can be too fat to fit under a buttoned cuff), fashionistas now say that it is uber-appropos to wear one’s watch on the outside of the cuff. Reminds me that a few months ago I ran across a dress shirt fashioned to hold and display a watch in the cuff.

Creative thinking exercise: Charles “Chic” Thompson, author of “What A Great Idea!” says that if you always wear your watch on your left wrist (as most normal people do), then switch it to your right wrist for a day, and vice versa. It’s supposed to help you think differently, or at least make you wish the day would end faster so your life can get back to normal when you put your watch back on the correct wrist the following day.

Comments

[Mr.Oi]

Come now that was even too mean for me. That was very infomative.

[skinnylegedrunnersaregay]

Want to know what really is no point? Running 10 to 20 miles at a time now that is not a point. Morons you will live only about a half hour longer then the rest of us but you will end up wasting 16 months of your life breathing heavy and watching out for traffic. Put your 200 dollars toward a tread mill, get krunked up and keep your bean poll legs away from the rest of us while we are trying to eat our Krispy Creams. For shizzy, DoughNut Pimp Out