David Dog's 10 (ed note: 8 because he’s verbose) To Watch in 2004 -- not in any particular order
1. Blogging: Because you're visiting this site, that will come to you as a big DUH. But wait. What I mean is, do you realize that there are still millions of Americans, and I'm talking college-educated, intelligent-but-trend-challenged Americans, who still look at you with a "HUH?" when you ask them if they know what a blog is. (Someone I know who manages web site development for corporations was SO faking like he knew what I was talking about recently when I asked him if he knew about blogs.) Anyway, I mean that, like it or not, blogging is on the cusp of going mainstream, bigTIME. Take a look at any presidential candidate's web site (hurry, they're dropping off quickly) and you'll find blogging. And Howard Dean, an early user of blogs (though the tactic obviously didn't help him make enough money to keep his campaign going) has SIX of them on his site. Anyway, my prediction is that, by 2005 I think Kraft Foods and Betty Crocker will have blogs for homemakers who want to talk about
dinner recipes.
2. Vomiting: Turn back the pages of time and you'll find amazing similarities between our society's evolution (or devolution) and that of the ancient Roman Empire. And basically we're just a couple of steps away from revisiting their orgies and vomitoriums. It's a fact that Americans are eating even more food this week than the last, but they want to lose weight desperately (see: Atkins Diet Slips on Ice ...) At least 2/3 of us are overweight, so the only solution is to simply vomit up the food we've eaten like the Romans used to do (with a feather, in case you wondered) -- not only so that there is room left in our stomachs to go back to the table and eat some more, but so that we can eat anything we want and not get fat. Oh, you're jumping to bulemia. That's closet stuff. I'm talking about vomitoriums at restaurants and social gatherings, where people do it en masse and without embarrassment. It's already occurring with the 90,000-plus Americans who get gastric bypass surgery each year. If they eat too much too fast, they have no choice but to throw up. This is the same thing but you save thousands of dollars with the feather method.
3. Running: Get over it. Tiger Woods, and therefore golf, is SOOOO not a trend anymore, especially now that he's starting to settle down with a Swedish chick. And I'm afraid even cycling, whether mountain biking or road biking, is becoming a little too mainstream. I mean look at all the fuddy-duddies cycling around town on those hybrid things. Let's hope they aren't wearing Lycra shorts, too. Bluh! Let's face it, anyone can try to be a tourist biker without much exertion or skill. But running. Ah, running. No one bats an eye if you say you did a bikathon last weekend. 30 miles, so what. But what person's jaw doesn't drop when you tell them you ran a marathon last week. Marathons are still a huge status symbol of sports (for people over 25 at least). In fact, you may be asked to produce some sort of proof you did it in order to overcome their disbelief. For now I'll just say, "You'll see." A year from now, everyone and their dog will be posing in running gear and high-tech Pearl
Izumi running shoes.
4. Unplugging: Yeah, I can route all my calls, documents and messages from home phone, work phone, cell phone, email, fax, Internet, etc. to one little handheld device. But I'm getting a little tired of being "on call" all the time. I mean, I don't even get paid a doctor's salary, so why should I reply to your email message to me right now. I think I'm gonna just turn it all off and let you wait for a day, or maybe even a whole weekend while I just unplug the TV and get secure in the fact that I can enjoy life without being connected to everyone like a Borg 24/7. Go ahead and do your flash mob without me. In recent years, status symbol was staying married, then it was getting 8 hours of sleep a night, now it's going to be telling people how long you kept it all turned off without obsessing over what you've missed or who's affirmed that your existence really matters because your Inbox is all jammed up with dozens of lame messages. Hop on the trend early and just unplug right now. This list will still be here when you come back.
5. Sexcessorizing: I thought I had seen it all with ankle bracelets and toe rings and body piercings and other me-too, I'm-so-alternative-culture, won't-it-make-my-parents-so-mad, wanna-be body enhancements in the past 10 years. But even my jaded eyes looked lilke a Pekinese dog's for a second when I saw a closeup photo of Janet Jackson's metal pasties that were "accidently" exposed at the Superbowl half-time show (see VH-1's blog). First I thought, "why would anyone put those there unless ..." then "how do they stay on..." then "where can I buy a pair of those" (for a gift of course). The less-than-naive of course know about cock rings and other "jewelry" that have been around probably since Roman vomitoriums, but just as Madonna helped boost Victoria Secret sales in the 80s, I think we're going to see a boom in body accessories for not-so-public parts. Janet's previous fashion trend attempt, that of the hand-bra on the cover of Rolling Stone a few years ago, for some reason didn't catch on. But this one has a little more staying power, no pun intended. And of course, there's no use having these sexcessories on your person unless you can then fiind ways to show them off. Just don't do it on CBS, please.
6. Praying: For most of America's history, Americans were mostly practicing Christians. Because the nation was set up by people who fled their country to escape religious persecution, religion has been part of the fabric of our society since it began. But in recent years, that fabric has begun to tear. Though today most Americans believe in God, an increasing number of people are taking a wrecking ball to religious symbols in public buildings, hushing school prayer and chipping away at public funding of religious institutions. And over the decades we've seen an increasing cultural acceptance of values in direct conflict with traditional Christian beliefs, including divorce, pregnancy out of wedlock, homosexual lifestyles, and the amassing of financial wealth at any cost. If in the past, everyone could hide under an umbrella of "cultural Christianity" and not make any waves, the line has been drawn in the sand and it's time to choose sides. Either you agree with secular values and accept a smorgasbord of pick-and-choose behavior, or you believe in Christian / religious morals (which aren't always fun to follow) and you'd better get ready to fight to protect what you believe in because it's all crumbling down around you. Click here to vote for and express your beliefs: "I can do whatever I want that won't put me in jail, so don't preach to me" or "I will have to answer to a higher power one day, so I'd better try live by God's rules." My only comment is that we put our faith in what we think will take care of us (e.g. people, careers, lotteries, God): and I guarantee you that 100% of the passengers on board the Titanic were praying just before it sank.
7. Dying: Death is making a comeback. Not that more people are dying than usual, but it's gaining favor as a subject of discussion. Death used to be something that humans were very in touch with. Up until the late 1900s, more than 80% of Americans lived on farms where animals died, were slaughtered, and people died, at the home. Now death is sanitary and detached from us.
When people get old and feeble, or have a life-threatening emergency, it's off to the hospital. And even if you get to hold the hand of the loved one up until the moment of death, once they flatline, it's out with the family, and off to the morgue, before smells and rigor mortis and other unpleasant things kick in. We've been desensitized to death on the news, and in movies
(hello, "Kill Bill" doesn't even shock us content or name wise), and even on videogames. We've become so far removed from real death as a population (unless you're involved with urban gangs who deal in death games on a regular and real basis), to the point that I think we're going to be increasingly fascinated by it. Basically, people are going to embrace the concept of death in their daily lives as something real. They will hire wedding-type planners to handle the "occasion" of their death, like what
music to play and what they want to wear, and who should talk about them, and what they should say. On a deeper level though, people will be looking for ways to have a more real connection with death, through discussion groups, encounters, books, and even holidays. The Mexican holiday celebrated at Halloween, Los Dias de los Muertos, will become increasingly be adopted
by the American culture, if only to make Halloween last a couple of days longer.
8. Fighting: We are mad as hell, and we're not going to take it any more, am I right? Is it just me, or am I the only one surrounded by people who are just waiting for me to make their day by giving them the slightest reason to beat me up, shoot me, flip me off, or give me a tongue lashing. Whether in grocery lines, traffic, at the airport, or on the phone, people seem to wake up pre-pissed and ready to take it out on the world. For some reason it's my fault that they don't have the job/spouse/car/vacation/parking space/respect that they deserve and they're going to take it out on me. So if we're all so
ready to start a fight, we'd better have the training to back it up. That's why we're seeing an explosion of articles in men's magazines on street fighting, martial arts and other self defense or attack measures. That's why we're seeing an increase in programming on pro wrestling, smack downs, and other shows that allow us to beat someone else up vicariously. And for those
caught in the middle, you can choose from a million video games that allow you to slap, kick, smack, shoot, punch, and destroy dozens of adversaries, just by flicking your fingers, without leaving the comfort of your overstuffed couch.
Nice move relating Pax Romana with Pax Americana on the vomitorium. I agree with you there...however, don't limit the effect technology can take. The Romans spent serious coin (old Roman types) on developing and making those vomitoriums. They were high-tech back then, complete with easy access to the also high tech plumbing/sewage system. So, if you want to be really avant garde then combine the 'better-living-through-chemistry' effects of genetically targeted drugs...it's all in the biotech babe. Should end up being something akin to a morphed "Total Recall" movie with the Guv'nuh.
Posted by: Shadow | 02/06/2004 at 11:34 AM