No Gin, no martini - Ya hear that?
By J. Friendly
Nothing pisses me off more than a fake martini. I'm still hyperventilating over the use of vodka in place of gin, sanctioned by no less a personage than James Bond (or rather, his thoroughly misguided creator). So you can imagine how I felt when greedy marketers and dopey fashion victims conspired to make a "martini" of anything that will fit into a cone-shaped glass!
(Except, of course, for the Cosmopolitan cocktail, which is better described as a Shirley Temple 
with an alcohol problem.)
So nowadays I fear that effronteries like the chocolate "martini"--AAAAKK!!!--will be around for as long as tasteless people are, meaning forever! But there is one corrective action we can undertake right here and now.
I mean a campaign to target the original offender--the so-called vodka martini--by renaming it as the Molotov cocktail. This would serve as a fitting tribute that famously convenient incendiary device of same name, which (as an aside) is the best way ever invented to recycle your vodka empties and all of Joan Crawford's, too, wherever they may be moldering in a parallel universe.
The original Molotov Cocktail was in turn named for the Bolshevik revolutionary (and distinguished Russian foreign minister) V.M.Molotov. I hope all this doesn't blow up in my face, but believe me there's a
legitimate connection here. Vodka, after all, is Russian despite all the other pretenders on the shelf. And the French influence in that hint of dry vermouth relates to the real Mr. Molotov's skill (well, stubbornness at
least) as a diplomat.
(OK, I'll confess I am free-associating here in the sense that French used to be known as "the language of diplomacy" until those English-speaking bullies pushed its sissy ass to the far edge of the striped-pants playground.)
But anyway, my vodka-and-vermouth Molotov cocktail is a serious proposal and an idea whose time has come. Whaddaya think?
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