Brain Blenders

The Feudal system comes to the World Wide Web.

By: A. Ford

Now, not only do I have the grand opportunity to be shunned in my “fully-clothed, teeth-brushed outside of the web” world, Google has jump-started a Social Networking Service called Orkut. That I read about at URLWire. “The new service allows users to connect with friends and friends of their friends, as does online soon-to-be-rival service Friendster.”

Here’s the kicker with Orkut – you have to be invited in!! What the…like some kind of crazy cult, or pyramid scheme, or bowling league??? Invited into a community on the web?? It will be just like chat rooms. Ever go to chat rooms…where people who spend a lot of time in them, avoid the ever-present newcomer, just like you would avoid a bear in the woods (actually skunk would fit better).

Snack Food Chat:

A.Ford: Hey, anybody here know anything about the new Sardine flavored Cheetos?

Fabio_flavored_funions: So I says to Mary, who didn’t even know where she was at the moment…

Hotmidgetlover: Hey, any guys here? Check me out on my webcam, I’m lonely…check me out here

NachoCheeseDaddy: Mary from the last party, Mary?

Fabio_flavored_funions: LOL, yeah you remember her?

SlickRick_the_Pretzel: Man that girl was wild…she was all over that Biker Gang from Reno, haha, ROFL, teehee…snort snort.

A.Ford: Sorry, is this snack food chat? I was just wondering…

Fabio_flavored_funions: Oh yeah, even the fat kid with asthma got a little!!! (thanks Dave)

SlickRick_the_Pretzel: Yeah Nacho, you left early man…missed all the action…

Yanni_the_Pakistani: Anu hot-breasted americas woman weeshs to chat me up…instant message??

A.Ford: I was really hoping to find some information about the Snack food industry…anyone?? I see 120 names in the room and only 5 people talking…anyone???

Fabio_flavored_funions: Anyway…I ask her if she would like to see my “home movie” collection and well she jumped on that like ugly on an ape …

NachoCheeseDaddy: Does this Mary have short blonde hair, walk with a limp…?

SlickRick_the_Pretzel: LMAO , Yeah, yeah – you have the right gal Nacho (hooty hoo, chuckle chuckle, monkey snort, ASAP, BMI, PDQ)

NachoCheeseDaddy: Oh my…

Fabio_flavored_funions; And you guys should have seen, she has the ugliest prison tattoo of a Rooster right on her…

NachoCheeseDaddy: THAT’S MY SISTER!!!!!

Is it gonna be like that? Would I have to endure months of people talking about mundane crap I couldn’t listen to even if the end of their conversation resulted in the secret recipe to the Colonel’s Chicken. Do I have to somehow prove my self worth to a bunch of sophomoric, pompous corn-holes I don’t want to spend any REAL time with anyway? Then I’ll pass Orkut…you can keep your cool site that you and your “Googlely” bastards are ate up with.

Dog Blog: Trends to Make You Throw Up

By. David Dog

I was just in Cancun for a few days, and I have a couple of observations to make. One is that I was shocked to see that my “Best of 2004” prediction vomiting is already coming to life south of the Border!

Yes, I kid you not, Senor Frog’s, which calls itself a “restaurant & bar & clothesline” has a display near the bathrooms with a life-size mannequin / animatron standing with his hands on a barrel full of a gross liquid. The animatron bends over and makes a belching-vomiting sound and then lifts himself back up, all the time with a sickened look on his face. Is this a joke or a suggestion for patrons to make sure that the drinking and eating binge they’re on doesn’t subside? At the least, it is a flagrant celebration of and institutional endorsement of the idea of “puking your guts out” in response to overindulgence.

Timmy, can your Mom come for a Sleep-over? Or, I’m not sleeping with Jane at the Old-Lady-Slumber-Party, she snores!”

By: A.Ford

All the rage now, are women’s sleepovers, and not the “lesbian Junior High sleepover” – yes it’s true! Jr. High girls are going for sleepovers and discovering all kinds of things besides sticking your sleeping friend’s hand in a warm bowl of water and having them pee their pants. If you have a Junior High aged female in your care and she starts pinging to T.a.T.u. and really digging the L.P.G.A. – you’ll know she’s been to one.
(idiots)

No, we are talking about grown women having Slumber Parties, or CRAVE’S with flannel PJ’s, doing each other’s nails, and spending time “yalking” (author’s word for cross between talking and yakking)

Why is this the new wave? Maybe “going out” is getting old? This is retro-chic, and women are just as busy in the work-place, spending full-time at matriarchal duties, and contributing to friendships becomes somewhat dim at the end of a long day. What does the bar-scene offer, loud music, guys hitting on you, and worse – you can’t wear your favorite old t-shirt that you relax in?

So there are slumber parties and Crave's. Crave’s are the slumber parties where the intent is to be with the girls and do some shopping as well. Companies are clamoring to get a little of this action. Cosmetic companies are hosting Pajama-Ramas advertising the “come over and get beautiful” aspect. Ritz-Carlton offers women special discounts for multiple occupants in one or two rooms, bottle of champagne and breakfast special for the crew. Limousine services are throwing together packages of “GIRLS NIGHTS IN” with the same amenities, minus the breakfast. Tupperware is probably getting in on it, of course, and the big winner is the pajama industry. Already a $1.7 billion business according to the NPD Group, 2003 saw a 25% increase in sales with the market headed for more influx from every angle, including a modeling aspect to the Crave phenomenon.

So you want to kick the guys out of the house and have the girls over to start slumbering:
products to look for to throw the perfect Adult Sleepover/ Old-lady Slumber Party – Heels The Game that Heals. (these look like a couple of great gals who run this company - go on...go to the site)
Girls Night In CD, Down Chaise-and-a-Half
The Chick Game (no site) – the one who reveals the most wins. Now that sounds like strip poker in reverse...hey that's an idea for a slumber party!!!

It's 2004, Pimps-up??

By. A.Ford

Apparently it’s kinda cool now to degrade women? I think that probably got some attention…but seriously, what the hell is going on? I know I haven’t exactly been paying a lot of attention to the women’s movement in the last couple of decades, but I thought they were liberated? Didn’t that happen somewhere along the way? I don’t hear anything about “glass ceilings” and the women where kicking complete tail on “The Apprentice” until big daddy bad hair split up their Mojo.

So I’m reading this article in YRB (Yellow Rat Bastard) NYC about Pimping, and Ice T, Too Short, and This idiot are speaking of the trials and tribulations of pimping women for sex, and they are concerned with the mental fatigue of the pimps! Yeah, sure gotta be a piece of cake for the women, right? So that had me kinda going, then I notice the ads in several other mags Pornstarclothing, playboyjewelry, drunk monkey, and buysilverstar.com all have ads that show women purely as sexual. Not sexual in a I want to love you forever, Helsberg Diamonds/Hallmark kinda way, but a I want to have you for 5-10 minutes tops kinda way. (I went ahead and attached some links so you could see where I'm coming from)

That’s it? That is what we have come too? I know, I know it’s ALWAYS been that way. But, I guess I thought that was over…what a stupid thought. I’m pissed, and I don’t intend to let my female loved ones be degraded by a society where apparently it’s cool to be a piece of meat. And some, women are contributing to the decay as well.

I'll have a Martini? Shaken - not Chocolate!

No Gin, no martini - Ya hear that?

By J. Friendly

Nothing pisses me off more than a fake martini. I'm still hyperventilating over the use of vodka in place of gin, sanctioned by no less a personage than James Bond (or rather, his thoroughly misguided creator). So you can imagine how I felt when greedy marketers and dopey fashion victims conspired to make a "martini" of anything that will fit into a cone-shaped glass!
(Except, of course, for the Cosmopolitan cocktail, which is better described as a Shirley Temple
with an alcohol problem.)

So nowadays I fear that effronteries like the chocolate "martini"--AAAAKK!!!--will be around for as long as tasteless people are, meaning forever! But there is one corrective action we can undertake right here and now.

I see ugly people…on my new HiDef TV!!

By: A.Ford

Did you know the problem with High Definition Television is that we will be able to see just how ugly people are in REAL LIFE! How much does that suck??!!!

“A.Ford, do you mean to sit there and tell me that our favorite actors are not all naturally beautiful people? And could in fact have an imperfection that spackling, and oil-based paint will not cover up????”

Dear reader, brace yourself for I must break it down to you… some of them are not perfect. I know, I know…give yourself a moment to catch your breath.

But seriously, have you seen this woman.

Granted, not at bad as this poor bastard.

The beauty of HDTV is that the picture is SO clear it brings out the most intimate details.

For Valentine's Day...go fruity on her!!

By: Mark T.

Dessert before Dinner?

Valentine’s Day is upon us. This is a guy’s time to shine so why not do it with food. With just a little bit of effort, you can make it look good. This meal has to start with passion. Italians have always had a great balance in the kitchen. I remember a little Italian restaurant that had a cutting board with a sign on it. It read, “Italian Lover: Pasta and Wine Included.” They can make a meal an experience from the start to the end. If you leave the table and you are not full, it is your fault. What we have to do is start the night off right. Here is an Italian twist for the special day. For names sake we will call this recipe “The Fruit of Love.”

Remember what your Mama said? You have to eat your vegetables before you get dessert. Well, look around, you see her anywhere? Then do what you want.. here's a chance to start with a fruity dessert that will impress the heck out of her. Unless this is her...
(That's Julia Childs)

It is a concept that not many people actually think about so why not do it for Valentine’s Day. Isn’t it the thought that counts? And if the thought doesn't count, one word...Diamonds!

First the fruit.

One LARGE Viagra Pizza TO GO!!

By J. Friendly

Iceland launches aphrodisiac pizza

That's some titillating headline on a story just in from the Food & Drink
Innovation Network . It literally made my mind race, as in "I always heard those Vikings don't need no
stinking aphrodisiacs." But as I paused to read the contents, I found that I was springing to conclusions.

"Iceland" is also a prominent British supermarket chain that just announced plans to release a new pizza for which it claims "particular health benefits." And if you wonder exactly what those might be, the name Pizzagra may offer a subtle clue. Anyway, Pizzagra's developers assert that it "will act as an effective aphrodisiac" due to a number of ingredients and toppings "renowned for their ability to lift libidos in both men and women." These include artichoke, asparagus, ginger, chocolate and banana (well,
obviously!).

FDIN says the early prototype is heart-shaped, aiming to underscore its purpose. And an unconfirmed rumor has it that the package will carry a consumer warning: Eat this too slowly and you may get a stiff neck.

MR. Oi's Top 10 Video Games of all Time

By: Mr. Oi

1. Half Life (PC)
Installed first on my computer in November1998, installed on my Second Computer November of 2001, installed on my 3rd computer in October of 2003, do we see a pattern here? A game this good would have to mean creator Gabe Newell made pact with the devil. Once released Half Life went on to win over 50 “Game of The Year” rewards from numerous publications and spawned a variety of successful modifications like Counter Strike and Day of Defeat, add-ons, and mission packs. Today, Half-Life is still by far the most popular first person shooter online. No one was ready for the Half Life experience the first time they played it. The AI was smarter then anything previously released (on any platform). The story was better then any “B” movie and most “A” ones at that too. Once you load up HL and get through 8 min tram ride, you take on the role of Gordon Freeman, a nerdy scientist who gets caught smack dab in the middle of a secret government project gone bad, flooding the base with aliens. All in all Half Life gets the #1 spot because it changed PC gaming more than any of its peers ever did or could do.

2. TRIBES (PC)
The only game I have ever played for 18 months straight without taking more than a week off at a time. For those of us whom have surgically place a blue plasma disk in someone’s head understand the beauty of this masterpiece. . TRIBES single handily put online gaming on the map by showing us how good team play could be minus the standard death match. CTF base game TRIBES also added game types of Capture and Hold, rabbit, and Search and Destroy for a unique online game experience ahead of its time. With never-before-seen features like the "commander view," that offered full support for team multiplayer games and huge worlds that stretched out for miles TRIBES never made you feel claustrophobic. Tribes 2 was good, but it was plague with bugs at its initial release. TRIBES never had any major problems to speak of. Setting out what the developers envisioned it would do TRIBES revolutionized the world of multiplayer squad-level games by bringing us a truly DONKEY KICKEN LAIDEN experience.

3. Battlefield 1942 including both expansion packs (PC)
Just what does make this game better then most of the garbage being played on-line today? For starters it has plenty of vehicles (land, sea, and air), a ton of maps, diverse solider classes, excellent weapons, and 4 very distinctive Theatres of War. BF1942 has 5 countries split up into two different forces, the 'Allies' and the 'Axis'. Maps range from the scorching desserts of North Africa, to the villages of France, and the balmy islands of the south pacific. A great online experience with a low learning curve makes BF1942 a must have for anyone with a pc and high speed internet connection.

This Athletic event brought to you by Methamphetamines.

By: A.Ford

Michelob Ultra is ruining my outdoors/running magazines. The one thing I could count on in those magazines was the crappy advertising that made up 90% of the poorly done race ads inside the publications. Now Michelob comes along with their slick looking, “thought-out advertisements” and ruins a perfectly good magazine.

Notice anything odd about these photos?

Like maybe this woman has a shape, which is odd to see in a running/cycling/oudoor adventure mag. She is not sweating, and just looking off into the future deciding how she will reveal the cure for cancer, after her ride. There is another ad with a couple, and you just know the two yup’s running together have deep meaningful conversations about life and the pursuit of art, justice, zen buddhism, yoga, and the environment while they exercise together? And the woman has her chest stuck out so far it makes her look inverted.

None of my old running ads has compelling, attractive people in the content. Just skinny, tired looking people who look like they’ve been running…and not like they are going to break their backs trying to stick their hooters out a little further.