Brain Blenders: This Athletic event brought to you by Methamphetamines.

By: A.Ford

Michelob Ultra is ruining my outdoors/running magazines. The one thing I could count on in those magazines was the crappy advertising that made up 90% of the poorly done race ads inside the publications. Now Michelob comes along with their slick looking, “thought-out advertisements” and ruins a perfectly good magazine.

Notice anything odd about these photos?

Like maybe this woman has a shape, which is odd to see in a running/cycling/oudoor adventure mag. She is not sweating, and just looking off into the future deciding how she will reveal the cure for cancer, after her ride. There is another ad with a couple, and you just know the two yup’s running together have deep meaningful conversations about life and the pursuit of art, justice, zen buddhism, yoga, and the environment while they exercise together? And the woman has her chest stuck out so far it makes her look inverted.

None of my old running ads has compelling, attractive people in the content. Just skinny, tired looking people who look like they’ve been running…and not like they are going to break their backs trying to stick their hooters out a little further.

And another thing, do people actually want to drink beer immediately after they run anyway? Are you running, balling, bowling, throwing lawn darts and say to yourself…you know I want a beer? And their site shows people doing all kinds of physical activities, meanwhile very close to a bottle of Michelob Ultra. I gotta know if I am alone on this one, is this odd or what? Holla…

I know when I finish my miles on a really hard day with my large-breasted girlfriend, who runs with me and competes as an equal on a level playing field where I treat her as a peer and especially look up to her as a competitor, I like to turn to her and say “Imaginary woman who shares my life, I’d really like a beer. Yeah, nothing would quite quench my thirst like a really dark and low-carb alcoholic beverage that tastes like LIGHT BEER. How about you dear, may I get one for you as well?”

And she says, “Sure, douche bag,” and we laugh and laugh…ahhh hahahaha….wooohoooo.

After my runs, mostly I feel like puking. I turn to the sweaty schmuck I run with and say, “Dude, that last mile sucked. I thought I was gonna lose a lung there” and he says, “Me too, Douche bag, but did you notice the great looking runner sticking her chest out drinking a beer?”

http://www.runnersworld.com/MichelobUltra/