The Plight of the Flight

I travel a bit.

Most of you know what that means. It means, that I am intimately familiar with the Chili's Too menu, have memorized the Starbuck's locations in most U.S. airports, and am completely used to being screwed with.

As a matter of fact, I have such thick skin now, that today, after I gave the counter worker my boarding pass in ORD (Chicago, O'Hare Airport) and noticed that my pen had fallen out of my pocket near my seat 4 feet away from the gate, and walked over to grab it then walked right by the airline employee without butting in front of anyone, and have her run angrily up behind me to tell me that I was "not cool" for sneaking past her, I didn't respond at all. Why should I respond? What good would my witty retort do? Teach her a lesson? Make a statement of defiance like in some movie about social reform, and oppression? Or just let it go?

I often choose to let it go. When some TSA agent starts yelling at us like cattle in a line waiting to be neutered, I try not to get upset remembering that I am actually a paying customer and not a convict waiting to lift and spread. When an Air Waitress wakes me up to make sure my noise canceling headphones aren't on, only protecting my peace from some louder passenger. When I get bumped, delayed, or redirected to another city, it doesn't do any good to get mad. It's air travel. The last bastion of freedom in the friendly skies. Right?

Horror stories of air travel abound. Being left on a tarmac for hours at a time seems to be unreasonable. Airline employees berating customers appears to be the norm now, not the exception. TSA agents doing what they do is a common inconvenience, but hardly worth getting me fired up. I have other things to concentrate on, more important things.

What kinds of things you might ask, Little Miss Mary Sunshine? Well, I'll tell you. I'm thinking we need to help the TSA do their jobs more thoroughly. That's why, I am considering calling for a "All Nude Wand Demand Day". One day in the next few months when everyone who goes through any Checkpoint gets completely undressed and demands to be wanded. This will ensure that the employees of the TSA will have full access to any and all the information they might need that day. This would boost their morale, as they would finally be able to go home that night and say their families..."the air was safe today, of that I am sure." Let's all make sure and get connected on this one, I recommend hugging your TSA agent after the wanding, to make sure they know how much you care...then get dressed.

Once through the checkpoint the reach out and touch someone continues. We've all heard some belligerent passenger yelling at an agent out of frustration, well not on this day brother. This special day will require you to NOT YELL. This will be "Low-Talker Response Day". We want to make sure that no one is hampered in their requests so it will be necessary to make sure your message is understood. We will all have to eat plenty of garlic, onions, and maybe some poutine - so when you lean in close to make your request you will notice the agents eyes water, and then you will know that you were understood.

Once on board immediately fall asleep, with your seat belt fastened in plain visible sight. The air waiter's and waitress's have a hard enough job not committing suicide without our efforts. However, if you feel the need to help -  pat one on the bottom like they would in professional sports. And follow the code...boy/boy and girl/girl. No need to get all sexist on this day of days.

And, maybe if none of this works for you...buck up Nancy, life sucks all over.

Comments

[Shadow]

no caviar...as a matter of fact, nothing French allowed at all! Champagne would definitely be frowned upon...never had a "meeting" as such, but have had several encounters. And the view...coupled with the intense privacy is beyond description.

[a.brain]

Ahhh, private air travel! The good life as it were...benefits are no cattle line, and other people who you might not like traveling with. Negatives are a 30,000 plus feet high meeting space with no possibility to fake your way out of. Sometimes, I have been with co-workers in the air and had conversations I would have rather avoided, other times, we just drink champagne and eat caviar. So, it's good and bad! How about your plane...any caviar?

[Shadow]

i'm still laughing at the air waitress comments...you may claim you kept your cool, but you can't even think those thoughts unless you were harboring medieval torture plans! ...i know...
by the way, i contend having your on airplane would solve some of these problems but only make other more expensive ones. i know you've done some private air travel any words on that?

[Grace]

The pictures you've place in my head will entertain me for days. Thanks for the laugh!

[doosh]

awesome article...and in the words of a good brother man, this is gonna be sweeeeeet...

[tom delong]

Hilarious and poignant! If everyone thought like you did I am sure we would have a few less angry people in the world and a bit more nudity, apparently.